Categories
blog

600 Days Ago…

Exactly 600 days ago was the last time I tried to kill myself.

Depression is a real thing. Anxiety, stress, self-harm, self-medication, self-doubt… are all very real things.

I grew up thinking that you don’t cry, you don’t express your feelings, and you certainly don’t ask for help. So, when I got scared, overwhelmed, anxious, sad, angry… I found a way to cope. Over the years, overeating was quickly replaced with alcohol.

Attempting to poison myself to death was a difficult task to complete.

After my third trip to the hospital in a two-month period, after many failed attempts before those, it was time to finally start unraveling my wiring. For me, asking for help was the first step. I learned very quickly that I was not special. I wasn’t unique. I was like everyone else. Stress, fear, anxiety, anger, regret, worry… it was how people dealt with them that was unique.

I could talk about all the awful things that I’ve done to my body… swapping stories of my heaviest drinking with other people like some alcoholic’s badge of honor. Or I could talk about how I refused to address my inner conflicts, how I ignored them… how my denial led to a failed marriage and loss of friends, jobs, opportunities, and almost my life. If asked, I will talk about as many moments as I can (or care to) remember.

People count the number of days they’ve been sober. I count the number of days I decide to stay alive. I also count the number of times that I confront those things in my life that scare the ever-living shit out of me. And do my best to do the HELL out of those things.

Categories
poems poetry

Jennifer.

walked past her house
every other day
going to jason’s
or ben’s house

snow white husky
behind a chainlink fence
i would crane my neck
hoping to see her

her hair glowed
in sunlight
and in shade
green eyes cut into me

i never talked to her
but had conversations
with her
in my head

we had everything
in common
favorite color
and lucky number 8

a perfect match
made of my own delusion
i would make sure
we never met

walked past her house
and mumbled what i
would say
if i had the nerve

never talked to her
didn’t want to
break the dream
of nervous infatuation

j-

Categories
Uncategorized

Bukowski.

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

Categories
poems poetry

Song.

in a quiet room
his heart skipped.
he saw her
from so
very
far away.

his throat was dry.
she sang.
it was
STRONG,
fast, yet
blissful.

he never thought to
talk to her.
he would walk
near her and listen
for her voice to
warble.

that voice.
it shook his soul.
she made him cry.
Every fucking time.
His heart shook.

Her deep blue
eyes.
Her shining
red hair.
He worried.

it was love.
curiosity.
pain.
infatuation.

she never knew
he would never tell
her that it
was love.

it would always be
random chance
awkward times
to meet
with an anchor in tow

Categories
poems poetry

Michelle.

michelle wrote
in my yearbook
“I haven’t known
you long but you
have a nice ass.”

she held my hand
and I kissed a
woman for
the first time

hot summer morning
we left school
and drove
for hours

amusement park
pool and haunted house
hot dogs and potato salad
trading tickets for
second base

we burned styrofoam
and cigarettes
felt lips and tongue
on my throbbing
adolescence

she cussed
drank
never wore
panties

michelle was
always ready
she needed
a boy
man
a woman
girl

she confused
me
she loved
me
she mystified
me

Categories
poems poetry

Confused and Sad

blurred eyes
he walked to the end
of the street

barely remembering
where he is and
when he needs to
meet her

he sits on the bench
with a schedule in his
starched pocket
smoking a cigar
and gazing through
amber tint

buses come and go
the sun drifts behind
that hill and he squints
his worn schedule
confuses him

fountain pen
pencil marks
scratches and tape
keep his day together

she explodes
into his broken
mind
her bright blue eyes
and searing red lips

that summer on the lake
when she taught him
how to swim
and not be afraid

that humid night
when they
held their
bodies close

a family of five
she died
and he was alone
in a home
of forgotten heroes

he kept her close
that shawl on that one
night when they
were animals

he wears her
jasmine pin
and smells it
when he can’t
remember

Categories
poems poetry

tequila and cash.

monday
she sits in the dark
her ass tingles
from the hard
seat

she wiggles
in her chair
she bites her lip

tuesday
awake at 3pm
at home
ramen on the stove
takeout in the fridge

wednesday night
at a bar
nachos
bright orange cheese
pickled jalapenos

tequila and sour
her will is pliable

legs wobble
a weathered man
with large lobes

blurry images
she relents
her body wants to
feel

thursday
she rubs her eyes
her thighs are bruised
a bag of frozen peas
between them

she remembers when
it was passionate
when she loved that
one special man

her eyes close
she lets it rush
into her soul
frozen and
on fire

friday
that one expensive
dress
she crosses her
legs
her eyes shut
and a tear

saturday
she thinks of
that man
with large lobes
between her legs.

Categories
poems poetry

Late Night Waffle House.

8:15

A night
of family and
awkward glares
from past loves.

Beer in hand
smirking and
shaking hands.

I bite my tongue.

10:30
Driving.
We need food.
Greasy, cheap, food.

The truck stop comes and goes.
Waffle House.

10:37
Car parked.
Holding hands as
we walk up the steps.

Worn red vinyl
and chrome chairs
prop the doors open.

It’s stale
thick
and greasy inside.

A once tall man
greets us.
Sergeant bars
on his apron.

Bill shakes my hand
and we sit at
the counter.

She asks for quarters.
Louis Armstrong and
Otis Redding
spill from the jukebox.

Short order cook named
Brandi fries up
a banquet.

Plates appear in
a sweep of gesture
and graceful apathy.

Gravy. Sausage. Eggs.
Pecan waffles, butter
Syrup.

She tells us about
her old man.
It’s not working out.

Bill remembers a Vietnam
reunion in N’Awlins.
Almost kissed a
man in a dress.

Brandi cleans the
windows.

We dance to
Conway Twitty.

11:43
a crowd of strangers
come in.
the moment is gone.

The drive home
is blissful.

j-

Categories
poems poetry

take me home.

darkness that is almost
deafening.
one red hot dot.
a car passes by
and I see the curve
of her body.

I can see her
birthmark,
and that scar when we
got drunk and smashed
bottles behind the
drug store.

she takes a long drag
and tells me that she
can’t do it anymore.

it’s not high school-
we aren’t kids now.

she pretends that she wants more,
that she wants to go to college
and wear a lab coat.

she just wants to steal
oxycodone from work.

I think back to that night.
When she kidnapped me.

took me to the lake
sitting on a picnic table-
hearing soundgarden
and weezer
in the distance..
from her white Merkur.

beers and shots
came out in the dark
I can’t see what
I’m drinking

‘take me home’ falls out of me.
I can’t handle the unknown.

I go back
to when we would
walk home from school
in the 5th grade.

It’s not the same.

j-